When I was searching over the internet, I came across this; "The reality is you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same again. Nor should be the same again. Nor should you want to." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. And it struck me really hard. It felt like my heart skipped and my chest tightened. It still hurts when I remember what happened to him.
Last year, the worst day in my life happened. It was the 18th of January 2013 at around 1 a.m., when my life suddenly turned upside down. At first, It felt like it didn't happened or maybe I didn't want to accept it. I might have been numb. I just want to escape the pain.
We mourned the death of a loved one. During those time, I felt the love and support of many as I moved forward into the following days and weeks. And I am very thankful to all those who helped and mourned with me and his family. But the truth is that he was really and truly gone. His presence, his sweet voice, his warm hugs and silly noises, his joyful smile and giggles, all were no longer accessible in a real and physical sense. And it was difficult for us to accept it.
After a few weeks, the uplifting support receded, and I began to feel some strong and surprising feelings; Despair, Anger and Desertion. Sometimes, I am still angry. I don't remember when grief first washed over me and knocked me down. So many questions then came running through my mind; What could I do now? How could I go forward and surmount this tragedy? But through the overwhelming support of our family, friends and relatives, I was able to surpass it. I didn't let negative feelings succumb me for the sake of my baby and family. I fought daily to be happy.
He is no longer here and I can't change that fact. Just thinking about it makes me weep. It's amazing for me that I survived that day. It's amazing for me that I've survived more than a year of grief. And still coping with it at times. Through this, I was able to release what I feel and it makes me feel better.
What I can do is choose to walk with grief and live my life to the fullest and with a purpose. No matter how good or bad it is, I must wake up each day thankful for my life, because someone somewhere else is desperately fighting to live and be brave.
Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them. It's not what the world takes away from you that counts; it's what you do with what you have left.
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